a short novel about Eden's birth

I've always wanted to be a mom, and specifically always wanted to deliver a baby. I played labor and delivery with my Barbies and thought about how cool it would be all through middle and high school, at times making my friends kind of wonder and laugh. It's just how God made me, with that desire in my heart, and I don't believe I'm the only girl wired this way. When I was pregnant with Ezekiel, I felt an unhealthy amount of fear about giving birth after having looked forward to it my whole life. I believe this fear was a result of TV shows and movies depicting birth in a very painful, medical, negative light. Every other "Baby Story" show ends in a c-section, and even the mothers who delivered vaginally when interviewed weeks after birth are glumly sharing how difficult a recovery they had after a doctor used forceps, vacuum suction or episiotomy under epidural anesthesia to help deliver their child. Breastfeeding is depicted as too hard and not always worth the effort, and it's even mocked in movies and TV. With all these images, it's hard to not to have any fear about the birth process - if you don't like hospitals, you're not going to like birth according to this picture.

When we were pregnant with Ezekiel, we knew there were certain things we wanted to avoid, like c-section and induction, but beyond that we did no research into how we wanted our birth to go. I don't think I read any literature besides the typical "What to Expect," which isn't very helpful for much more than quick reference. We avoided induction through prayer and trusting God to bring Ezekiel in his own timing, but once we got to the military hospital in labor and were presented with the epidural option, we really didn't hesitate. I wasn't in pain, but I also hadn't prepared myself for anything but an anesthetized birth, and a doctor I'd never met had just broken my water to "speed things up." Giving birth to Ezekiel was a medical and impersonal process. Sure, I had my mom and husband with me in the room, but the only goal we had for this experience was to hopefully avoid surgery and go home with a baby. We reached these goals, and I did feel empowered at the thought that I had just brought a person into the world, but upon later reflection I found deep disappointment about some parts of my experience. I felt uncomfortable and scared the moment I had entered the hospital room, and was immediately confined to a bed, stuck with an IV and cords and cuffs all around. How was I supposed to think about refusing an epidural when stuck in this position? A host of staff entered and left my room as they pleased, and when it was time to push there were so many people in there I felt like I was on display. Because I couldn't tell how hard I needed to push and was flat on my back with my legs in stirrups, I got a second-degree tear (which is on the minor side, but required very uncomfortable stitches and made going to the bathroom afterward very painful). After the birth, I felt so numb and slightly traumatized that I didn't want to hold Ezekiel right away. The attending doctor, instead of waiting for the third stage of delivery to occur naturally, pulled on the cord and placenta and then did a manual uterine exam to check for remaining pieces. This was really, really uncomfortable, but I had done nothing to prepare for this experience so I didn't know if it was standard or not and just accepted that this was the way it was happening. By the time I held Ezekiel, I felt kind of detached from him and a little bummed that this process had such potential for beauty and emotion but had ended up as something much less. Breastfeeding didn't happen easily, but we did it for as long as Ezekiel wanted (about 10 months), and I think it was through this incredibly natural and fulfilling experience I realized that birth could be this amazing too. We were pregnant with Eden before Ezekiel's first birthday, and by this time I knew we had work to do if we wanted to do things differently this time!

God put several other women in my life who inspired me during my pregnancy to educate myself - I can think of 4 right off the bat, all Air Force friends who had delivered beautiful children naturally and had nothing but positive, encouraging words and stories about their experiences. I longed to have that kind of a birth story to share and that kind of encouragement to give. I'm not sure at what point exactly we decided to commit to a natural birth, but it wasn't a scary or forced thought; I knew I did not want to choose the anesthetized experience this time. Over halfway through the pregnancy the Lord led me to research doulas - I wish I remembered how he brought this idea to mind! I wonder if it was through one of the few "Baby Story" episodes that records homebirth, because those had me in tears every time from the sheer calm and beauty of the environments into which those women chose to bring their babies. God led me to a doula named Sheri who I immediately knew would be the right woman for the job. A doula is a woman whose sole task is to support a laboring woman, and usually includes pregnancy and postpartum support as well. She knows how to serve the mother's emotional and physical needs and also how to help her husband help her better. We met several times before our due date to discuss my desires about the birth. It was so great to have a woman come to my house, sit down in my living room and ask me questions about my ideal birth experience! How could she best help me, how did I envision it, what were my reasons for wanting to give birth naturally - she helped me sort through my wants and fears and would work to help me reach my goals. It makes perfect sense to me now that a woman can have personal goals about the birth of her baby. It's about more than bringing a healthy child into the world, although that is an amazing gift and the ultimate goal. It's about a fulfilling experience that does justice to my Creator's work in making me fearfully and wonderfully able to deliver my baby perfectly fine on my own. It's like breastfeeding: all you really need to feed your baby is your body. And I wanted to believe that all I really needed to deliver my baby was my body and His power, not an IV or anesthesia. Through the course of our meetings Sheri offered me a few books that were in line with the desires I'd expressed to her. Once I started reading, I couldn't get enough. I read Susan McCutcheon's "Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way," Ina May Gaskin's "Guide to Childbirth" and England/Horowitz's "Birthing From Within." Mason even read "The Birth Partner." These books completely revolutionized my view of childbirth. I immediately stopped watching TV shows about birth and focused solely on the real life experiences recorded in these books and the new lexicon I wanted to adopt. Instead of contractions, Ina May's book described rushes. Instead of pain, it was a sensation. Words like "intense" and "powerful" replaced ones like "excruciating" and "agonizing" as I read birth story after birth story about natural deliveries, many of which were described as painless. It is AMAZING the power of words and how my view of childbirth changed when I explored this new perspective! When medicine was taken out of the equation, no need for those scary words remained. I highly recommend these books for anyone expecting, especially their first. No matter what you decide about your birth, most first-time moms never get this perspective because they aren't motivated to search for it until after a disappointing first birth. I don't agree with everything these authors write, and yes, some of it sounds downright weird, but I gleaned valuable insight and technique from the parts that appealed to me. I wish I could lend these books out, but I returned them to my doula, so check out a library if you want to read them but not buy them.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. - Ephesians 3:20

Finally, we get to Eden's birth! This is the part I'm so excited to share because it was one of the most amazing days of my life. This is a sufficient disclaimer: it's a birth story, and it might be graphic for some. But for anyone who is interested in how God sent Eden to us or in natural childbirth, I would love to tell you about a positive, awesome, empowering birth experience! One of the books I mentioned above suggested adopting a mantra or motto of sorts to tell yourself (in my case, also pray over) in the weeks leading up to birth. Mine was this: "My labor is going to be awesome and empowering, and we are going to get to the hospital at the perfect time." Our plan from the start was to labor at home as long as possible and go to the hospital when we were almost ready to push. Having an older child makes a no-schedule plan like this very challenging, mostly because our older child is only 20 months and not ok hanging out with just anyone for the day or night. The plan was for Mason's mom to come on the 15th and be in place to care for Ezekiel, but as the time neared, the daughter in me started to really want my mom here. My mother in law is great, but there is just nothing like having your mom with you when you're about to have a baby, especially our first daughter! So we changed plans and my mom arrived on Friday evening the 14th after much debate over whether to come that day or the next. I told her she should just come Friday and knew that God was working out His perfect schedule, and I'm so glad she decided to come that day! After she arrived that evening, I drank a cup of red raspberry leaf tea that my neighbor gave me, and we basically just said "well, now that you're here, we'll just wait for something to happen!" A few hours later, at 4:30 am, I woke up to use the restroom and found I was bleeding. This exact same thing happened at the exact same time of morning the day I had Ezekiel, and I knew that this was my body's first signal to me that it was going into labor! I sat there shaking with nerves and disbelief - the last time I felt that way was probably when I took the positive pregnancy test in that very same spot! Today would be the day, and the LORD had gotten my mom in place with hours to spare. He is AMAZING and mighty to hear and answer our prayers. I started banging around the bedroom packing my hospital bag after a vain attempt at lying down and going back to sleep. I should have been able to guess that today would be the day because Friday had been a day filled with last minute preparations and encouragement from above. I had gotten out the pack & play, stuffed a couple things in my bag, loaded my iPod with a labor mix, and most importantly enjoyed a sweet time journaling with the LORD during which he encouraged me with His Word, particularly Ephesians 3:20. This birth was bathed in prayer for months ahead of time, and I have no doubt that is why it unfolded as it did. I also wrote a letter to Eden petitioning her for her utmost cooperation with me for her entry into the world. When Mason awoke to my early morning packing, I told him "We're going to the hospital today, not now, but today's the day!" He calmly said, "Good thing you loaded your iPod yesterday" and remained in bed. That's my husband for you, cool as a cucumber. Sometimes a bit too cool for my liking...my mom heard the commotion, and apparently Ezekiel did too since all 4 of us were up and around by 6 am. As the morning progressed, so did some mild contractions. I ate breakfast, drank more red raspberry leaf tea, sat, paced, and wondered how quickly this would go. Ezekiel's labor took 20 hours, and I knew that second labors were sometimes only about half the length of firsts, but I was still in denial or doubt that I was going to deliver a baby by that afternoon. Around 10 am, Mason decided he was going to the gym (!). I had been laying on the couch listening to music and relaxing through nicely spaced contractions, and I must have looked so together and peaceful that he thought it would be a good time to fit in a workout. So he headed out as I watched my mom and Ezekiel play together. I had been using the kitchen counter to rock back and forth and the couches to relax and breathe deeply, but around 10:30 I was hit with a wave that brought some very low and probably loud noises from my mouth. My mom told me I was starting to sound like the women on "A Baby Story" and I decided to call Mason and tell him to get his butt back from the gym. No answer, of course. So I called Sheri, our doula, and gave her a heads up that I had just felt a mighty wave of something and that things may be kicking into gear. She said she'd be here by 11:30, and fortunately for Mason, he arrived several minutes before she did after getting sidetracked chatting at the gym. Only Mason could carry on a nonchalant conversation after a leisurely workout while knowing his wife is in labor at home. Love that guy! When Sheri arrived, my mom took Ezekiel upstairs so we could focus on the task at hand. Ezekiel had really enjoyed seeing me rock on my hands and knees on the living room floor - I think he thought I was playing a game! But I was getting past the point of fun and games and needed to get to work. Mason timed contractions while Sheri rubbed my back and talked with me about the sensations I was feeling and about when to go to the hospital. We alternated between kneeling on the floor and what's called the labor dance, where I had my arms around Mason and kind of hung from him during contractions. I remember at one point telling Mason that he smelled, and at another getting really irritated that my earbuds kept falling out of my ears. Sheri told me later that she was trying not to crack up from the "you smell" comment after Mason calmly came back with something like "yeah, that doesn't surprise me." After all, he had wanted to shower after coming back from the gym, and I hadn't let him. I had the feeling that I was at least 5 cm dilated by this time, because I had made it to at least 5 before anesthesia with Ezekiel and had not felt this strength of contractions before. Sheri is a Christian, a main reason we hired her for the job, and so we all 3 prayed about when we should go to the hospital. It seemed like shortly after that the contractions started coming one on top of the other, with multiple peaks and very short breaks in between pretty intense waves. I felt nauseated, asked for a bucket and then felt a tremendous pressure and dropping sensation. I wasn't sure if I needed to go to the bathroom or if I needed to push or what, but it happened so suddenly and took me so by surprise that Sheri kind of pushed me over on my side on the floor to stop gravity's helpful effects for a moment and told Mason it would be a good time to load the car. He did, and my mom and Ezekiel came downstairs to see us off. She was very glad we were leaving as I think she was sitting upstairs fretting about us delivering in our living room. The ride to the hospital was crazy! I was in a very serious and silent mood and Mason was driving us quickly but carefully through traffic on the cold, rainy Saturday afternoon. I don't think I said more than two words the whole drive, and my labor seemed to stall a bit as I reclined in the front seat and had only a couple of contractions during the 10-15 minute drive. I squeezed his arm a couple of times, and he was such a reassuring presence. When we arrived, I think the nurses knew when they saw me walking down the hall in flip flops, pajama pants, a big t-shirt and a messy ponytail that we had been laboring at home awhile. They ushered me into the first open room and started asking questions and getting set up for a quick delivery. They put in the obligatory heparin lock, drew blood, took a quick blood pressure and listened for the baby's heartbeat while I lay on my side on the bed singing my way through very intense contractions. These little procedures were annoying to me at the time, but I understood beforehand that this was standard and that the medical interventions should go no further. For that I thank those nurses and Dr. Kerry Tynes, one of just a couple of doctors in the area that I know are willing to support women in natural birth. I was 7 cm dilated by the time they checked me, and during the next contraction the nurse noted that I was probably an 8 by now. They knew better than I did how fast the transition stage would go, and within what seemed like a few minutes of getting to the hospital I was complete. Laying down on the bed like they asked me to when we arrived made the contractions more difficult to handle than they were while standing or sitting, so somebody reminded me of this and I sat up on the edge of the bed with Mason standing right in front of me so I could hug him around the waist. The nurses were so encouraging - you nurses out there probably make sure to say kind and flattering comments regardless of the patient, and laboring women really appreciate that! They knew they were not my main support people so they stayed in the background as much as possible, but they really helped by telling me I was "tough as nails" and that I was making this look really easy. I remember one of the nurses at Ezekiel's birth telling me she could tell I had a high pain tolerance, and that comment marked one of the first moments when I realized I probably did not "need" the epidural. So thanks to whoever told me that almost 2 years ago! Anyway, there I was sitting on the edge of the hospital bed in my old t-shirt (I had stressed for weeks about what I was going to wear for the birth and how I was going to escape the hospital gown, but nobody really had time to offer me one), fully dilated, and between contractions I pulled my hair up in a fresh ponytail. Dr. Tynes laughed at me and said I wasn't acting normal, that most people were not just hanging out and talking between contractions when fully dilated. This was actually a really easy point because I knew the hard work of dilating was finished, now we just had to figure out how to push. I hadn't really felt the urge yet, although I was feeling a tremendous amount of pressure and intense backache. Also, my water hadn't broken, so Dr. Tynes explained to us that we could just wait for it to happen or she could do it for us. Sheri chimed in that at this point, breaking the water would do nothing but shorten the duration of labor. Mason and I said "let's do it" after thinking it over for a minute, and I so appreciated that we could just chat this out and decide for ourselves. When Dr. Tynes ruptured the amniotic sac, I didn't feel anything gush out. Turns out Eden was so far down that none of the water was able to escape, so Dr. Tynes said she was going to have to prepare to get splashed. I think this was when I realized I was going to have to push this baby out, and I was scared. We had come all this way through labor without much difficulty or pain, but I knew that the most intense part was yet to come. Typical of this point in labor, I was super indecisive and kept saying I didn't know what to do or how I wanted to push. They offered to get me a squat bar over the bed and suggested a couple of different positions that obviously didn't appeal to me, because I didn't do them. At one point I just looked at Dr. Tynes and said, "I really don't know what to do. I need someone to tell me what to do." I'm so grateful Dr. Tynes (because I asked her) took charge here and said "Ok, here's what I want you to do. Lay on your side and pull your knee up, and with the next contraction push." Starting to push was scary to me! I didn't know how it was going to feel but I knew it was going to be crazy. I still hadn't felt a really strong urge to push although the pressure was getting even more intense. When I got over the fear hurdle and started to push, a wave of determination and strength came over me that I was going to get this baby out! Dr. Tynes told me that I when I felt burning I needed to push right through it and fight the urge to stop or draw back. Of course this kind of scared me, but I knew at this point I was minutes away from finishing this thing. At this point we had been at the hospital for about 45 minutes. With every push the backache got more intense, but I could feel all my bones and muscles doing everything they could to relax and open up to make room for her to pass through. My body knew EXACTLY what to do. It was so intense, I don't even know how to describe it! I remember thinking that this is what women have done for centuries before and that I was really getting to feel this experience completely and beautifully. Throughout the labor I had been using low sounds and an open mouth to help move the baby down and stay relaxed and open, but at this point I have no idea what I sounded like. I think I may have let out a couple of bonafide screams because it was just so intense and powerful and overwhelming and my whole body was working like an engine in overdrive to finish the job. I heard "the head is out!" and then Dr. Tynes said "OP, she's OP" and had me roll over on my back as the rest of Eden's body came out. Turns out OP means occiput posterior, which means that she came out facing upward with the back of her head against my back. They said that this was as hard as it gets in terms of baby's position, and typically makes for the most difficult delivery possible! Because I hadn't been complaining of an unusually strong backache, none of us had a clue that Eden had picked a tricky position. Sheri said she wondered how easy I would have found labor and delivery if Eden had been in the more favorable occiput anterior position. Even with the OP delivery, it was not by any means unmanageable, and I am supremely glad that we did it. I'm encouraged to know that if we do this again, there's a chance it could be considerably easier. Even so, I would not describe the birth as painful. Parts were CRAAAAAZY intense, the whole thing was amazingly spiritual, and now I feel like I can do anything (which Philippians 4:13 had already told me, but the birth reminded me practically). I did not tear at all during delivery even though Eden was 9 lb 6 oz, and the third stage of labor went easily and smoothly as the placenta came out intact and on its own just minutes after Eden. Shortly after the birth, I got up and went to the bathroom like it was no big deal. (Peeing after Ezekiel and all those stitches was one of the most painful moments of my life - that and getting that awful urinary catheter put in and removed. I think I was so determined to avoid ever having another urinary catheter if I had anything to do with it that this alone made natural birth the better choice for me.) 2 hours later I wished we could just go home to recover, 2 days later I enjoyed a fun evening out with friends as if nothing huge had just happened to my body, and 5 days later I have nothing but positive, warm, romantic, chill-producing feelings about Eden's birth! It brought me closer to the LORD and to Mason and revolutionized my view of birth and of myself. The afterpains I would say are aptly described - one of my friends told me they may hurt worse than labor the second time around, and I agree because I wouldn't describe labor as hurting to begin with. Fortunately they tapered off after a couple of days, and breastfeeding is starting to get a little bit more comfortable with each day. I am so grateful to God for the gift of this experience and think that if He blesses us with more biological children in the future, this will be the way I want to deliver them. I wish more women would share their birth stories, especially positive ones. Thanks for sharing in our joy!

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. - Psalm 139:14