Trust

This is going to be real, folks. This has been one of the most difficult weeks of Mason's and my life: a week of questioning God, panicking and doubting, alternating with trusting God, seeing and expecting great things. I'm a total mess. Jesus Christ, who truly loves all the children of the world, including the broken little girl sleeping in this room, is the only One keeping me standing right now. His face is what gets me up in the morning again to face Bulgaria - in fact, it was the thought of seeing Him face to face at the end of my life and having to explain why I didn't go get this little girl He put on my heart that caused us to begin this journey in the first place!

It has been unspeakably difficult for me to leave Ezekiel, Eden and Isaiah to come effect this rescue plan that God picked us for. This mission to rescue Kamelia was not undertaken without counting the cost, but now that we are in the middle of it, it seems overwhelming. I've been blessed by the encouragement of friends and counselors in my lowest moments, and I'm grateful to them for believing and hoping for me and seeing the beauty that is going to come from this time of intense pain. It is so strange to watch videos of our happy, adorable kids at home that my mom sends and then to watch and hear Kamelia thrash and scream in anguish. Yes, we think the fits are lessening in duration and frequency still, and if I were to tell you all she is learning you'll wonder why I'm not feeling more excited. She is saying more English words each day, learning new songs, performing tasks with help that she has never done before such as throwing away trash or putting on her own clothes, sitting at the table to eat, and so much more...but the road seems interminably long from this spot. This twelve day trip is beating me up. We are over halfway done, but I really need your prayers to carry me and Mason through to the end with strength and stamina. The temptation is for me to check out and wallow in sadness and anxiety rather than actively pursuing and bonding with Kami. When I focus on her, good things happen. Another ounce of trust is added to the bank. She learns a new word or giggles at something funny. It's just becoming very hard to press on, though I know that the remaining hours and days will keep passing and the flight, no matter how challenging, will land and we will be back in the beautiful, wonderful United States. I won't ever take that country for granted again! Mason is the most patient man in the world, but even he has had his moments where He needed a break. He has been wonderful with Kami, but it's not easy. He also is ready to have his regular wife back, the one who is not sobbing about missing her baby. :)

It's impossible to accurately envision what life will be like on the other side of this. How will I manage the needs of all four kids, especially when Kami will probably still be throwing dangerous fits? It is heartbreaking to see a child so angry and hurt that she bites her hand or throws her head against the ground, but that's what we've seen in the worst moments. It is heartbreaking to realize that so very many children are living in conditions where they have to resort to animal instincts to survive. No discipline, no parents, no love, no security, nobody to depend on. How can we overcome that? We can't without the wisdom, strength and comfort of the Lord Almighty. It's also an interesting realization that these undesirable behaviors are the very ones that allowed her to survive. In a sense, we have to respect her ability to navigate such a terrible environment and come out alive. But envisioning how to phase those behaviors out in a safe manner as she enters a family with three siblings is difficult. I wonder if we will ever go out again, if I will ever have a normal play date again, how home school will change. God knows these things. He intends for Kamelia to leave this place, to grow and thrive, to develop her musical talent, to build loving relationships and most importantly to know Him. He knows my heart is so torn up away from my babies that I am having trouble putting one foot in front of the other. He knows what Kami needs and is giving us wisdom to help her heal. I'll try to share some pictures soon, but for now I am just going to leave it at this. Please pray for us as we finish out this time in country, that God will fill us with His peace and strength. I said this months ago, and I definitely believe it now - adoption isn't charity, it's war!