where to begin

I don't quite know where to begin. There's a lot going on.

Once this looked like an adoption blog, and I warned you that the topic was about to change. Now it's also a Bible blog. In retrospect, I think it's been that for a long time, as adoption and the Bible are sort of (incredibly) inextricably intertwined. But now I'll also use this space to share what I'm learning about the worldwide need for God's Word in addition to what I'm learning personally through my own Bible reading.

Have you ever had a moment where you realized a truth about yourself that you had never even considered before? This has happened to me a few times in recent years simply because parenting little children brings out all sorts of things in us that we might not otherwise see. Then adoption took it to a whole new level for me. The most recent and glaring realization I've been slammed with is a really big one. My whole life - whether due to my personality, my environment, or something else, I'm not sure - I have tended to value people based on their intelligence. I hate the way that looks in writing. I hate even more how it has shaped my attitudes and the way I've treated people in the past.

"The LORD doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

When we committed to adopt Kami, we knew how the Bulgarian officials had labeled her and believed that she had simply never been given the chance to develop her mind. But as the grueling weeks and months went by after bringing her home,  and as I've shared here before, the trauma was just so overwhelming that I lost sight of a great many things.

I think I've said this before and then changed my mind, but I'll say it again really believing it this time: I think we are finally coming out of the woods. Kami's once-constant mourning has stopped. This happened just in the last few weeks and was definitely an answer to prayer. (Thank you Jesus because I had passed my breaking point long ago and was barely holding on during those long days.) We've resumed therapy with the huge blessing of a grant that covers those expenses 100%. We're only a handful of visits in with our new therapist, Kathy, but it's apparent to me that this is already another match made in heaven. For the time that we had Jennie in Louisiana, she was exactly what Kami needed. Kathy is now exactly what Kami needs, and it's actually something Kathy told me last week that led to my latest revelation.

Kathy comes to our house twice every week. After their third or so session together, Kathy told me, "she is really smart." I paused for a second and instead of nodding and continuing the converation, I stopped her. I told her that while I appreciated her saying that, it was difficult for me to understand what she meant and how she could be using that word. Kathy looked surprised that I was surprised and then proceeded to tell me all of the things that Kami can do that show that her brain is not missing anything. I think her exact words were, "I don't think there is anything mental going on." She meant not that Kami has no mental activity, she has alot; she meant instead that she doesn't think there is any mental deficit in Kami, only that she is still in the early stages of trying to figure out how to be human after 7 years of extreme neglect. Of course, this was a very encouraging word to this war-torn momma! When I shared this with Mason's mom, she reminded me that's what we believed from the very start in May 2013 when I first read over Kami's medical file. Somehow I had completely forgotten that every word of Kami's file had screamed to me that this was a child who could rise out of her false diagnoses with love. With love - I thought it would be that easy! For sure, love motivates us, but it had nothing to do with the warm feelings I was imagining as I read that file and dreamed of what this little girl named Kamelia could become.

After Kathy explained to me what she meant by her statement - "Kami is really smart" - I kept thinking about it. I talked about it with Mason and I turned it over in my mind, and the more I contemplated it, the more repentant I became of the way I had come to view Kami through my totally unjustified lens of "intelligence." It occurred to me that none of the other 5 of us who live in this house have ever learned such an exorbitant amount of new information in such a short time as Kami. None of us has ever experienced such a tragic existence and then been expected to function as a normal person in everyday life. None of us was deprived of any of our fundamental human rights and then expected to treat people with decency. I came to realize that Kami is smart. She is a very intelligent girl. When my eyes were opened to this, when I spoke these words, and when I started to treat her like an intelligent child, my relationship with her shifted. My relationship with Kami over the past 2 years since we met has been comprised of many shifts, but this one is huge and it's absolutely defining. It was as if she suddenly became a different person because I started seeing her as a different person. You may remember if you've followed our entire adoption story some of the reasons that this shift has been a long time coming. When someone comes into your home acting animalistic and then gradually and painfully transforms into an intelligent human, significant adjustments need to be made along the way!

Just today, Kathy explained to me the extreme importance of the sucking reflex. After a baby is born, she explained, sucking is the first reflex that empowers them to control an aspect of their environment. Baby is hungry, baby roots for food, baby sucks, baby stops sucking when full. I have nursed 3 babies and never thought of it that way - the simple act of eating, which my three babies each did minutes after their birth, began their healthy brain development which has been allowed to continue without interruption every moment since. Kami, on the other hand, was given a bottle of less than nutritious liquid with a huge opening so that no sucking was required. She was immediately met with an uncontrollable deluge of liquid, which made feeding a survival situation. I've become desensitized, but thinking about this almost chokes me up. Seeing Kathy's indignation that this basic reflex was robbed from Kami in her first days as a newborn really affected me. I, too, should be indignant about it, but moreover I should be extremely proud of all that our daughter has overcome in the past 18 months. When I watch her drink through a straw tomorrow, that alone should leave me in awe. At age 7, with Jennie's help and much travail, Kami's brain forged pathways that most newborn babies have already developed.

That's what's happening with Kami. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's capable, and I need to start talking like this consistently. Here are a couple of images of all four of our children together, which happens more now than ever before:

In the first photo, we're practicing for the family training we'll be attending in April. The children will be away from us for several hours per day while Mason and I go to classes, and while there they'll have a scheduled quiet time after we all eat lunch together. With little kids, practice, repetition and familiarity are very important, so I'm trying to prepare this homeschooled bunch as well as possible for those two weeks away from home!

Mason has been assigned a job managing projects in South Asia. To learn more, contact us directly (or check your e-mail for the latest newsletter)! Besides prayer, which is foundational to the whole endeavor, there are other ways to support us: by partnering with us in our ministry here, and even by using essential oils, believe it or not! If you are an oil user and particularly a would-be business builder who wants to help get the Bible into hungry hands and hearts, you can learn more here or just get in touch with me. We are eagerly watching God build this ministry team because we definitely can't do this job alone!