How does this have to do with rocket science? Well, I started the 16 and pregnant post a couple weeks ago and never took the time to finish it. I'm not sure where exactly I was going with it, but since then I've had a thought or two that made me identify in a small, small way with the girls on the show. They were going to high school, made a bad move or two, got pregnant, and derailed their life from the direction they had intended on going. Certainly not what happened to me, but the main point there is that having a baby changes EVERYTHING about your life. Here's where I identify! In addition to our baby changing my life, though, marriage changed it. In a beautiful way, marrying M derailed some of the plans I had for my life. I lapsed into thinking about this the other day when he said he'd like to build a model airplane from scratch, and asked me a question or two about how it can be done. Why would he ask me? When I met him in college about 5 years ago, I was majoring in aerospace engineering. I went on to complete levels of math that the average person has never heard of, enjoy agonizing for hours over science problems every night, and also take an introductory course to aerospace flight in which we were to divide into teams and built a rubber-band propelled model airplane, from scratch. I remember understanding nearly perfectly the mathematical equations of flight, but feeling panicked about the idea of building a plane and putting all that logic to practical use. Sure enough, my team's airplane did a nosedive despite our hours of labor, and we watched other teams' creations soar for minutes on end with a measly rubber band engine. This was a pretty difficult pill for me to swallow. At this point I had transferred schools to be closer to home and to my then-boyfriend, soon-to-be fiancé. I knew that marriage was coming soon, a marriage that I desired wholeheartedly, and I knew that I was out of my league in regards to the extremely gifted students in my classes who were already leaps and bounds ahead of me in experience. I also knew that God had led me to the perfect man for me and was leading me away from the career that I had once dreamed about - I had wanted to work for NASA, Boeing, the Air Force, or some equally awesome aerospace company where I could be around science and math all day and feel smart. Yes, feeling smart has always been a desire of mine, one that led to some fleeting successes but also selfish pride. But with the demise of my plane, I switched to a mathematics major, which was going quite well until I realized that I probably wouldn't be able to graduate by the time I needed to move to Texas with M once he commissioned in May 2008. It was time to water the math major down into a math minor, and graduate with a humble B.S. in Interdisciplinary Studies. This was NOT what I had planned on, but it was what God had always planned on! He says "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" in Jeremiah 29:11. In retrospect, I can see that his plans were far better than my own. My human nature still struggles with my apparent lack of success in the world's terms. In high school I felt like such honors as being voted "most likely to succeed" and being valedictorian meant that I needed to pursue the worldly version of success - intelligence, accolades and admiration. Sometimes I think about where my former college classmates are and wonder if I should have been like them, working for NASA, achieving PhD s in mathematics, working on big Boeing or Lockheed projects. It's still a tough pill to swallow, which is why when M brought up the model airplane idea, all that disappointment came back. After some thought and prayer, I realized that in my life there have been times when GOD MADE SOMETHING TOO HARD FOR ME AT THE MOMENT BECAUSE HE NEEDED TO CHANGE MY COURSE. It's not that the assignment was hard or that I was not smart enough to do it well, it was just a perfect place for a God roadblock. In theory, I could have pushed through, sucked it up and worked vigorously to improve on my weaknesses, but with God's and my relationship, it's not like that. I knew that he would graciously provide what I needed for me to do what he wanted me to do, and it just wasn't happening. When I say something is hard in this context, I mean it feels like a brick wall that extends for miles on either side. Staying up all night with a baby for months on end was not hard compared to the kind of hard I'm talking about. I am amazed at how God can speak to me through my abilities, gifts and desires. He has control over my life, heart, and mind, not just because he made them all but because I have also handed over the keys and want only what he wants for me. And he's used this brick wall to derail me at different times in my life, because I was moving fast toward a stop that he didn't work into my itinerary. These have been the most beautiful, amazing train wrecks imaginable. Coming to this conclusion made me finally start to accept my failure as an aerospace engineer, and get excited about helping M build an airplane that will actually fly. Something tells me that building a rubber-band engine plane with my husband in our backyard is going to be much, much easier and more fun that it was 5 years ago when everything seemed to ride on the flight of that balsa wood contraption. Plus, we have a one-year-old to help us, an addition from which every project can benefit! I'm not using much of the rocket science I learned in being E's mom. There are times when I have no idea how I got from there to here, but I really, really like where I am, and I really, really love the new family that brought me here.
