HOME!

I'm a little late on posting this update, but we've been blissfully busy the past month - Mason, and the rest of us, are HOME! August 5, 2011 was one of the most exciting days of my life. We successfully negotiated our first deployment by the grace of God. It was a short one, but long enough for me to never want to do it again! I know that if God calls us to another one though, He'll be faithful and get us through again. For now, we're just high on the excitement of being a family again and enjoying the little things, like eating dinner together most nights and the kids seeing their dad every day.

Part of being home again is being a full-time mom again. It's not that I was any less of a mom while staying with my parents, as I actually had twice the responsibility there as a single parent. It's that I'm the ONE that Ezekiel and Eden depend on throughout the day. Not one of the two or three that were always on hand to help me in Florida, but THE one. Mason's flying schedule changes from day to day, so each day looks different - sometimes we have him til noon and get him back at 4 am, and other days he works a more traditional 8 to 5. That unpredictability has whipped me back into shape the past month as I've been learning how to thrive and help the kiddies do the same with or without Mason here for a particular meal or routine. I'm learning this for the first time as I was never good at thriving when Mason worked nights before deployment. After not seeing him for 4 months, I have the new gift of perspective that allows me to be grateful for the fact that he IS coming home within 24 hours rather than lamenting the fact that he's not there at the moment. I'm so glad I stayed with family, as these long nights of single parenthood don't afford our sweet babies the lavish individual attention and fun that they received in Orlando. It was all at once a courageous and cowardly thing to do, pack them up and move for 4 months, but I would do it again and thank the LORD for the unmerited gift of a stellar family support system!

So, being a mom. Sometimes I wonder how I got myself into this mess at such a young age. Other times I delight in the sounds, the craziness, the littleness of the kids and think this has got to be the ultimate career (it is). That's what my life is about, and so it's what this blog is about. I'm a mom who loves Jesus, loves her husband, loves her kids, and fails ALOT. I swell with pride at Ezekiel's obedience and respect in the smallest tasks, then feel resentful at his antisocial behavior when I want to talk with friends. I vow to nurture his spirit and personality, then think of ways to change it to better suit my liking. I cuddle and compliment Eden during the day, then mutter mean and thoughtless complaints as I sit up yet again to hold her at 4 am. NOTHING has taught me more about my sinful nature than motherhood. I am selfish, wretched, angry, impatient, and bitter when left to my own devices. I NEED Jesus to save me from my sins! I was raised to know the love of Christ, but I don't think I ever really experienced its saving power until becoming a mom. I didn't feel like I really did much wrong before then. Sure, I had felt pride and jealousy, and knew that was wrong. I'd told lies and said mean things, too. But I don't think I ever really felt the weight of my sin. THAT, I believe, is why God gave me the gift and wake-up call of motherhood at the tender age of 23. He knew I'd wanted it and prayed for it my whole life, but what He knew that I didn't was that it would bring me to my knees like nothing else ever would. It would bring out all the darkest parts of my heart and expose them to His light, so that I'd be laid open and bare for Him to operate. That's very uncomfortable, but it's marvelous. The things He's teaching me are so profound I haven't yet figured out how to put them into words. Maybe I could figure them out if I had more than a few minutes late at night to do it, but that will come in time. During the deployment I hit rock bottom and saw my raw impatience and selfishness, and thank God I will never be the same. I also needed to have our second child before I fully grasped some of my problems. When Ezekiel didn't sleep through the night for 10 months, I felt mad and resentful, but I believe I thought that my reaction was acceptable. It was my sleep, I deserved it and, though I would grudgingly interrupt it to take care of him, he wasn't really number one in my mind. I was. With Eden, I KNOW when I get angry at her wakefulness that it isn't my physical need for sleep that's taking over, it's my desire to take care of my own needs before hers, and I work to squelch that selfish impulse, to die to myself just a little more so that I can wake up from whatever bit of sleep I acquire to be just a little more LIKE JESUS. Isn't that why He made me a mom? Isn't that why He puts each of His children in their various life situations? A wonderful mentor of mine once told me that motherhood is the road to the crucified life. I didn't pay attention or think about that very much at the time, but now I understand. Do I excel at it? No. Case in point: this morning Mason was home and we decided to eat breakfast at IHOP. Ezekiel was not thrilled with entering the restaurant, and as soon as we sat down and took our menus to peruse the delicious pancake selection, he was pacing around with his tell-tale sour expression, his whines rising in a crescendo that told us we wouldn't be able to dine in. I was so angry! I had been nursing what seemed like all night and was very hungry. Not only that, I really like pancakes. Mason calmly took him from the restaurant and I followed with Eden, politely explaining to the server that we had to go. No sooner had we left the restaurant with a cheesy, fake smile than I PINCHED my son, hard! I pinched his arm and bitterly told him he ruined our breakfast. He was already crying, but this made him cry more, and he asked me to kiss it but I wouldn't. The important part here is that I KNEW I was giving in to sinful selfishness the entire time. It was a wrong choice, simple to identify but not so simple to short-circuit when my focus was on my needs rather than my upset 2-year-old's. An hour later I had cooled off, and as we ate our carry-out IHOP at our own breakfast table, I apologized to him and really meant it. I want him to grow up knowing that I mess up and I repent. For maybe the first time in my life I'm painfully aware of my sinfulness, and I hate it, and I desperately want to die to myself and become more like Jesus, even as I let go of my silly desires and consider others more important than myself (I memorized Philippians 2:3-4 over the summer but obviously it still hasn't sunk in yet). There will be more tantrums, and I will feel angry, and there will be more sleepless nights, maybe even tonight. But I pray that with each passing event that God keeps working on me - and He promises He will!

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

God is faithful. Thanks for sharing part of my journey with me as I aspire to be, in His strength, the mom He's called me to be!