the last 3 weeks...

...have been long, challenging, nauseating, and emotional, full of trusting, doubting, guessing and most of all PRAYING. The joy of a new life and a rapidly rounding belly takes turns in our hearts with the disappointment of a delayed dream. The feeling that two years is too long to wait for adoption when so many orphans need homes now, competes with the knowledge that two years is a drop in the bucket of God's time and that HE, the Father to the fatherless, will do what He has determined long ago in our family. Some days we get wrapped up in our plans and think that things have somehow been messed up, but other days (the ones we're right with God) we see that this is the perfect detour to get us to our destination as a family. 

Something the LORD has shown us through this surprise pregnancy is that Jesus REALLY LOVES the little children, ALL of them, both the precious orphans who wait for families and the precious pre-born babies growing in the womb. We've always been passionately pro-life, but this valuable glimpse into what an unplanned pregnancy feels like deepens our belief that every life, whether initially wanted/planned/prayed for or not, whether news of the child's existence brought on tears of joy or tears of disappointment,  is a precious creation of God. We love this little baby and pray that God uses his or her life to glorify Him first and foremost, and that he/she would come to know Jesus through a personal relationship early in life, as we pray for Ezekiel and Eden. This is kind of a silly sounding thing, but I've noticed several families lately that had 3 biological children before adoption. That encouraged me! What continues to DIScourage me is a conversation I had with just one person, only an acquaintance, in the checkout line at a store a few months ago. I told her excitedly about our adopting and she responded with something like, "Oh, yeah. We were going to adopt, too, but then we got pregnant with our third." They have 4 older kids now, all biological. They're also Christians. That really baffled me and I continue to wonder why the ability to reproduce biologically somehow makes people think the orphan crisis isn't their problem...God's pretty clear about it: "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." (James 1:27) One of our biggest "fears," if you want to call it that, at this point in time is that we won't end up being able to go through with adoption because we keep getting pregnant. It's fine if that looks laughable, but it's our reality right now! We are praying praying praying for God to show us how to handle that. And we choose not to fear because God says not to.

Another thing we choose not to fear is the fact that Mason is supposed to be deployed in February when I think we're due. Please join us in praying that he's able to come home in time for the birth. While I don't physically need him with me in order to have the baby, I sure would like him to be here to meet his son or daughter at that special moment! I plan on hiring a doula like we did last time with Eden, so it's good to know that I will at least have her support, but we're trusting that God will do something crazy and awesome (as usual) to get Mason home to us in time.

For I hold you by your right hand—
    I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
    ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.' Isaiah 41:13

This is a great life course on selfishness and trust for me. Selfishness because one of the reasons I had hoped to be finished with pregnancy for awhile (and I would have been content to never have another biological child) is that I don't like to be pregnant. I don't like to give up my body, my clothes, my food, my wellness, my sleep. I'm selfish because I'm a human being, and we all have those forces of self-interest at work in us because we're messed up (sinful) and broken and out for self-preservation. This is where Jesus Christ comes in and changes the way I need to live. With HIM living in me through the Holy Spirit, I can be selfless. I can give and sacrifice and still be content. Motherhood is such a beautiful and accurate depiction of a sacrificial life! Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me (Luke 9:23)." So, with my "cross" being the life task God's given me, with its burdens and pain and joy and everything, I'm learning to deny myself and take up that cross daily AND follow Jesus. In motherhood. In pregnancy. In adoption. In trusting Him to direct my steps and Mason's steps and trusting Him that even though adoption is a wonderful God-honoring thing, a thing that more people need to do right now, He said to wait, so we need to wait patiently and do the task He's put before us now. A verse that jumped out at me during the last few weeks talks about Abraham and how his faith was credited to him as righteousness because

He did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. Romans 4:20-21

I am fully persuaded that God has the power to do what He promised. Everything I can see with my human and spiritual eyes tells me that He's promised us children through adoption, so I will continue to be fully persuaded of that fact until or unless He tells me otherwise. This is a great word from God that helps me wrap up our completed home study that we just received in the mail, with all the time, energy, resources and love we've put into this adoption process, and place it on the shelf for a time. Maybe God has in store for me and Mason some essential lessons in marriage or parenthood or denying ourselves and following Jesus that we need to learn before becoming adoptive parents of older children. As I write that, in fact, I'm SURE He does. 

My first OB visit for our littlest one is next Tuesday. Judging from the expanding waistline/increasing scale numbers/consistent morning sickness, I'm coming to actually accept that I may in fact see an image of a baby on the ultrasound monitor...will let you know for sure.