When we arrived home from our trip to Florida in April, Mason and I high fived and congratulated each other on what we hope was our last flight ever with little kids.
For the past six years we have averaged 1-2 round trips by air per year visiting our families in Florida. The 15-hour drive quickly became more horrifying of a prospect than air travel - this happened around the time we made the drive in one day with 6-month old Ezekiel for his first Christmas. Somewhere during the final torturous stretch of highway, while holding a worthless light up toy in front of his face as he screamed, we realized that air travel may be a good option. Ezekiel had already flown a few times at that point, his first being when he was three weeks old. Since then I have experienced the tense joys of changing poopy diapers on empty seats, nursing while sitting inches away from total strangers, trying to convince stubborn two-year-olds to buckle in at the flight attendant's request (wouldn't it just be better for everybody if they let the frightened toddler sit on my lap? I can guarantee I had a better hold on him than that lap belt!), holding said screaming child in his seat until the flight attendant stopped watching, passing fidgety babies back and forth across aisles and over seat backs, and intensely staring out the window in hopes that we could will the plane to arrive at its destination sooner. We have issued many commands to stop banging on the windows, stop abusing the seat backs, stop eating food off the floor, and to please keep your voice down. Perhaps the most memorable lesson we learned in the air was to never, ever, ever fill and close your sippy cups on the ground and then open them in flight. Having majored in science and math, I should have internalized the air pressure principle that dictated the entire contents of the sippy cups shooting out onto the two rows in front of us. That was probably the most mortifying thing that ever happened to us up there! That is, until we made a transatlantic flight with a child fresh out of a Bulgarian orphanage... Did I mention that I was never much a fan of flying?
For the past six years we have averaged 1-2 round trips by air per year visiting our families in Florida. The 15-hour drive quickly became more horrifying of a prospect than air travel - this happened around the time we made the drive in one day with 6-month old Ezekiel for his first Christmas. Somewhere during the final torturous stretch of highway, while holding a worthless light up toy in front of his face as he screamed, we realized that air travel may be a good option. Ezekiel had already flown a few times at that point, his first being when he was three weeks old. Since then I have experienced the tense joys of changing poopy diapers on empty seats, nursing while sitting inches away from total strangers, trying to convince stubborn two-year-olds to buckle in at the flight attendant's request (wouldn't it just be better for everybody if they let the frightened toddler sit on my lap? I can guarantee I had a better hold on him than that lap belt!), holding said screaming child in his seat until the flight attendant stopped watching, passing fidgety babies back and forth across aisles and over seat backs, and intensely staring out the window in hopes that we could will the plane to arrive at its destination sooner. We have issued many commands to stop banging on the windows, stop abusing the seat backs, stop eating food off the floor, and to please keep your voice down. Perhaps the most memorable lesson we learned in the air was to never, ever, ever fill and close your sippy cups on the ground and then open them in flight. Having majored in science and math, I should have internalized the air pressure principle that dictated the entire contents of the sippy cups shooting out onto the two rows in front of us. That was probably the most mortifying thing that ever happened to us up there! That is, until we made a transatlantic flight with a child fresh out of a Bulgarian orphanage... Did I mention that I was never much a fan of flying?
We have decided that we shouldn't fly as a family again until all of our children can use the bathroom independently and entertain themselves. This resolution dovetails nicely with the fact that once we drive to Florida this summer for our move, we will no longer need to fly to visit our parents and most of our siblings.
As we near our moving date at the end of June, I'm confused that this part of our life is ending, excited for the new adventure, nervous about the changes, and incredibly grateful for a husband who made a choice to change careers when God directed him to do so. Some of you might naturally assume that this career change is a direct result of our adoption. It is not. We believe that even if child #4 had come to us the old fashioned way, it would still likely be time to make this transition. (Of course, "what if" is nonsense, but most of us tend to think that way.) We've always wanted a big family and we've always wanted to homeschool. Those two factors lead to this truth: we need Mason here. By that I mean that each of our four children specifically needs his voice, his presence, his influence, his love in their daily life, and that I need him by my side to accomplish the paramount mission of raising these kids to love and serve their Father in heaven. We weren't willing to move forward in a career that would guarantee long and frequent separations. There were other supporting factors in the decision, including Mason's personal interests and ambitions. We sought the Lord's counsel and would certainly have stayed if He guided us that way. Despite our nerves, we are peaceful and confident in moving forward that this is where God is guiding us. I continue to draw encouragement from Psalm 25, my essential anthem for the year 2015:
Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
I love His ways! I love that He promises wisdom to those who ask, and that this applies to any and every area, from where we should live to what jobs Mason should apply for to what activities we should choose for our children. And I will follow Mason anywhere as he follows Christ. I continue to thank God for allowing me to marry a man whose greatest ambition is to serve Him and to serve his family rather than himself. The more life we live, the more we realize what a gift our marriage is. I am unspeakably grateful to call this guy my husband!
As for updates on our offspring, they are growing, changing, challenging and amazing us every day. Ezekiel just turned 6 and lost his third tooth. Actually, tonight I need to be the Tooth Train and leave him a little something for that treasure. He can be a wild, stubborn fighter, but he can also be the most helpful, mature, encouraging child of the bunch. He's still figuring out who he is on a daily basis, and I'm mostly enjoying the ride. Though his rowdy behavior in Sunday service would make him appear otherwise, he has a deep hunger for God's Word. Sometimes the wisdom that comes forth from his mouth leaves me speechless. Other times, it's the bathroom humor that leaves me speechless. With Ezekiel, you just never know what you're going to get. He keeps me interested.
Eden is 4 and just completed her first "big show," a dance recital. She had an absolute blast. Mason stayed for the duration of the show after I brought the other three home that evening, and when he picked her up she was breathless from excitement. The hustle and bustle of being backstage with beautiful ballerinas for three hours was sheer heaven to her. When they came home, she danced in the driveway in her sparkly costume, not ready for the night to end. She will definitely continue dancing. After witnessing tap dancing for the first time, she's thinking about doing that instead of ballet. Either way, we will joyfully attend each of her shows and continue to encourage that beautiful, feminine spirit of hers.
Isaiah just went through a whole litany of changes for his little two-year-old self. He reluctantly gave up his pacifier, eagerly gave up his nap, and switched from the crib to the toddler bed. He is the most comical of the family. He loves to make us laugh and has a radar for sadness. When anyone in the family is feeling down, he's right there to hug and encourage them. He has such a heart for people. While we were in an airport on our trip home from Florida, he was drawing my attention to people waiting in the terminal who looked sad. He was genuinely concerned for them and asked me what their names were. This is Isaiah and we love him more than we can explain!
Kamelia, 8, looks like a child of ours now. (As most of you know, we don't grow tiny ones!) She is now wearing clothing sizes that correspond to her age, and I no longer think she looks small. She looks so much more like a young lady now than she did just a few months ago. Superficially speaking, it's amazing what 10 months of good nutrition and hygiene can do for a child. It's difficult to try to express how she is doing, because it's all like the underside of a gigantic tapestry to me. There are many, many beautiful and encouraging threads, but they are jumbled and confusing in many spots. Much if not all of this confusion is due to secondary trauma. I specifically remember writing on here that we were going to take on her hurt and suffering when we adopted her, but I didn't know how that would feel or what it would mean. After much prayer and many attempts at relaxation in recent weeks, I concluded through desperate research and analysis of my symptoms that secondary trauma resulted in adrenal dysfunction in my body. In the past week I have become good friends with an herbal supplement that has greatly improved my ability to remain calm and even-keeled throughout the day. (Fellow adoptive moms - I highly recommend checking out this option if you have dealt with secondary trauma/PTSD symptoms. It contains licorice root extract, Chinese yam root, and a couple of other herbal extracts to specifically support cortisol metabolism. It might sound quacky to some, but even if it were a placebo, I would still pay the $25 for the relief it has brought to my nervous system! Since first taking it a few days ago my shaking episodes have completely stopped. Praise God.)
From what I understand, the months of intense trauma and stress in our home caused me to have unusually (dare I say dangerously) high levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Due to Kami's tragic past, she came into our family with skyrocketed stress hormone levels, and as hers gradually went down, mine went up. This is what I meant all of the times when people asked me how things were going and all I could think of to respond with was "it has been costly." That was an uncomfortable exchange of trauma that happened. But I can now say I am grateful for the chance to take on her stress, even to suffer under it for a little while, when I remember that the Lord Jesus did that with my sin. He took it on and suffered under it in order to defeat it. That's exactly what is happening in this home by His grace.
Anyway, back to Kami. She continues to transform into a new person. She is still newly adopted (technically she will be considered newly adopted for the first year), and some days it still feels like it. But things have settled down considerably, and we thank God for the many miles He's brought us across - both the dark valleys and the exhilarating mountaintops. A recent development of hers is that she started mimicking Eden's dancing. She's always enjoyed music and singing, but we're beginning to see her attempt to move her body in ways that she almost certainly never did before. It's exciting to see her run behind Eden trying to skip like her, or to attempt Eden's carefully choreographed moves as they listen to worship songs in the family room. It's really a sweet sight. The other day Mason took the boys to the car store to get some supplies for an oil change while we three girls had a dance party at home. It was one of the first special moments of its kind that I've experienced with our daughters. I pray there are many more like it to come. Kami is also surprising us with some word connections we hadn't realized she had made, and her speaking ability is slowly increasing.
That's all I can express at this moment. One month from now, when I will likely do my next update, we will be settling into our new home in a new phase of life.
Is there an area of your life that needs healing? Is there an area where you're doubtful that life can even possibly enter in, an area beyond hope, beyond resuscitation? I've been there. If you could say this is true about yourself, then I pray for you the same thing I pray for our newest daughter: that God make breath enter into that area, that you may come to life.
May God breathe life into you, that you may live. He opens graves and brings us up from them, that all who see and hear may know He is the LORD, when He opens our graves and brings us up from them. He puts His Spirit in us that we may live, so that we will know that He has spoken, and He has done it. (taken from Ezekiel 37:1-14)
As we near our moving date at the end of June, I'm confused that this part of our life is ending, excited for the new adventure, nervous about the changes, and incredibly grateful for a husband who made a choice to change careers when God directed him to do so. Some of you might naturally assume that this career change is a direct result of our adoption. It is not. We believe that even if child #4 had come to us the old fashioned way, it would still likely be time to make this transition. (Of course, "what if" is nonsense, but most of us tend to think that way.) We've always wanted a big family and we've always wanted to homeschool. Those two factors lead to this truth: we need Mason here. By that I mean that each of our four children specifically needs his voice, his presence, his influence, his love in their daily life, and that I need him by my side to accomplish the paramount mission of raising these kids to love and serve their Father in heaven. We weren't willing to move forward in a career that would guarantee long and frequent separations. There were other supporting factors in the decision, including Mason's personal interests and ambitions. We sought the Lord's counsel and would certainly have stayed if He guided us that way. Despite our nerves, we are peaceful and confident in moving forward that this is where God is guiding us. I continue to draw encouragement from Psalm 25, my essential anthem for the year 2015:
Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
I love His ways! I love that He promises wisdom to those who ask, and that this applies to any and every area, from where we should live to what jobs Mason should apply for to what activities we should choose for our children. And I will follow Mason anywhere as he follows Christ. I continue to thank God for allowing me to marry a man whose greatest ambition is to serve Him and to serve his family rather than himself. The more life we live, the more we realize what a gift our marriage is. I am unspeakably grateful to call this guy my husband!
As for updates on our offspring, they are growing, changing, challenging and amazing us every day. Ezekiel just turned 6 and lost his third tooth. Actually, tonight I need to be the Tooth Train and leave him a little something for that treasure. He can be a wild, stubborn fighter, but he can also be the most helpful, mature, encouraging child of the bunch. He's still figuring out who he is on a daily basis, and I'm mostly enjoying the ride. Though his rowdy behavior in Sunday service would make him appear otherwise, he has a deep hunger for God's Word. Sometimes the wisdom that comes forth from his mouth leaves me speechless. Other times, it's the bathroom humor that leaves me speechless. With Ezekiel, you just never know what you're going to get. He keeps me interested.
Eden is 4 and just completed her first "big show," a dance recital. She had an absolute blast. Mason stayed for the duration of the show after I brought the other three home that evening, and when he picked her up she was breathless from excitement. The hustle and bustle of being backstage with beautiful ballerinas for three hours was sheer heaven to her. When they came home, she danced in the driveway in her sparkly costume, not ready for the night to end. She will definitely continue dancing. After witnessing tap dancing for the first time, she's thinking about doing that instead of ballet. Either way, we will joyfully attend each of her shows and continue to encourage that beautiful, feminine spirit of hers.
Isaiah just went through a whole litany of changes for his little two-year-old self. He reluctantly gave up his pacifier, eagerly gave up his nap, and switched from the crib to the toddler bed. He is the most comical of the family. He loves to make us laugh and has a radar for sadness. When anyone in the family is feeling down, he's right there to hug and encourage them. He has such a heart for people. While we were in an airport on our trip home from Florida, he was drawing my attention to people waiting in the terminal who looked sad. He was genuinely concerned for them and asked me what their names were. This is Isaiah and we love him more than we can explain!
Kamelia, 8, looks like a child of ours now. (As most of you know, we don't grow tiny ones!) She is now wearing clothing sizes that correspond to her age, and I no longer think she looks small. She looks so much more like a young lady now than she did just a few months ago. Superficially speaking, it's amazing what 10 months of good nutrition and hygiene can do for a child. It's difficult to try to express how she is doing, because it's all like the underside of a gigantic tapestry to me. There are many, many beautiful and encouraging threads, but they are jumbled and confusing in many spots. Much if not all of this confusion is due to secondary trauma. I specifically remember writing on here that we were going to take on her hurt and suffering when we adopted her, but I didn't know how that would feel or what it would mean. After much prayer and many attempts at relaxation in recent weeks, I concluded through desperate research and analysis of my symptoms that secondary trauma resulted in adrenal dysfunction in my body. In the past week I have become good friends with an herbal supplement that has greatly improved my ability to remain calm and even-keeled throughout the day. (Fellow adoptive moms - I highly recommend checking out this option if you have dealt with secondary trauma/PTSD symptoms. It contains licorice root extract, Chinese yam root, and a couple of other herbal extracts to specifically support cortisol metabolism. It might sound quacky to some, but even if it were a placebo, I would still pay the $25 for the relief it has brought to my nervous system! Since first taking it a few days ago my shaking episodes have completely stopped. Praise God.)
From what I understand, the months of intense trauma and stress in our home caused me to have unusually (dare I say dangerously) high levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Due to Kami's tragic past, she came into our family with skyrocketed stress hormone levels, and as hers gradually went down, mine went up. This is what I meant all of the times when people asked me how things were going and all I could think of to respond with was "it has been costly." That was an uncomfortable exchange of trauma that happened. But I can now say I am grateful for the chance to take on her stress, even to suffer under it for a little while, when I remember that the Lord Jesus did that with my sin. He took it on and suffered under it in order to defeat it. That's exactly what is happening in this home by His grace.
Anyway, back to Kami. She continues to transform into a new person. She is still newly adopted (technically she will be considered newly adopted for the first year), and some days it still feels like it. But things have settled down considerably, and we thank God for the many miles He's brought us across - both the dark valleys and the exhilarating mountaintops. A recent development of hers is that she started mimicking Eden's dancing. She's always enjoyed music and singing, but we're beginning to see her attempt to move her body in ways that she almost certainly never did before. It's exciting to see her run behind Eden trying to skip like her, or to attempt Eden's carefully choreographed moves as they listen to worship songs in the family room. It's really a sweet sight. The other day Mason took the boys to the car store to get some supplies for an oil change while we three girls had a dance party at home. It was one of the first special moments of its kind that I've experienced with our daughters. I pray there are many more like it to come. Kami is also surprising us with some word connections we hadn't realized she had made, and her speaking ability is slowly increasing.
That's all I can express at this moment. One month from now, when I will likely do my next update, we will be settling into our new home in a new phase of life.
Is there an area of your life that needs healing? Is there an area where you're doubtful that life can even possibly enter in, an area beyond hope, beyond resuscitation? I've been there. If you could say this is true about yourself, then I pray for you the same thing I pray for our newest daughter: that God make breath enter into that area, that you may come to life.
May God breathe life into you, that you may live. He opens graves and brings us up from them, that all who see and hear may know He is the LORD, when He opens our graves and brings us up from them. He puts His Spirit in us that we may live, so that we will know that He has spoken, and He has done it. (taken from Ezekiel 37:1-14)
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