HOME!

I'm a little late on posting this update, but we've been blissfully busy the past month - Mason, and the rest of us, are HOME! August 5, 2011 was one of the most exciting days of my life. We successfully negotiated our first deployment by the grace of God. It was a short one, but long enough for me to never want to do it again! I know that if God calls us to another one though, He'll be faithful and get us through again. For now, we're just high on the excitement of being a family again and enjoying the little things, like eating dinner together most nights and the kids seeing their dad every day.

Part of being home again is being a full-time mom again. It's not that I was any less of a mom while staying with my parents, as I actually had twice the responsibility there as a single parent. It's that I'm the ONE that Ezekiel and Eden depend on throughout the day. Not one of the two or three that were always on hand to help me in Florida, but THE one. Mason's flying schedule changes from day to day, so each day looks different - sometimes we have him til noon and get him back at 4 am, and other days he works a more traditional 8 to 5. That unpredictability has whipped me back into shape the past month as I've been learning how to thrive and help the kiddies do the same with or without Mason here for a particular meal or routine. I'm learning this for the first time as I was never good at thriving when Mason worked nights before deployment. After not seeing him for 4 months, I have the new gift of perspective that allows me to be grateful for the fact that he IS coming home within 24 hours rather than lamenting the fact that he's not there at the moment. I'm so glad I stayed with family, as these long nights of single parenthood don't afford our sweet babies the lavish individual attention and fun that they received in Orlando. It was all at once a courageous and cowardly thing to do, pack them up and move for 4 months, but I would do it again and thank the LORD for the unmerited gift of a stellar family support system!

So, being a mom. Sometimes I wonder how I got myself into this mess at such a young age. Other times I delight in the sounds, the craziness, the littleness of the kids and think this has got to be the ultimate career (it is). That's what my life is about, and so it's what this blog is about. I'm a mom who loves Jesus, loves her husband, loves her kids, and fails ALOT. I swell with pride at Ezekiel's obedience and respect in the smallest tasks, then feel resentful at his antisocial behavior when I want to talk with friends. I vow to nurture his spirit and personality, then think of ways to change it to better suit my liking. I cuddle and compliment Eden during the day, then mutter mean and thoughtless complaints as I sit up yet again to hold her at 4 am. NOTHING has taught me more about my sinful nature than motherhood. I am selfish, wretched, angry, impatient, and bitter when left to my own devices. I NEED Jesus to save me from my sins! I was raised to know the love of Christ, but I don't think I ever really experienced its saving power until becoming a mom. I didn't feel like I really did much wrong before then. Sure, I had felt pride and jealousy, and knew that was wrong. I'd told lies and said mean things, too. But I don't think I ever really felt the weight of my sin. THAT, I believe, is why God gave me the gift and wake-up call of motherhood at the tender age of 23. He knew I'd wanted it and prayed for it my whole life, but what He knew that I didn't was that it would bring me to my knees like nothing else ever would. It would bring out all the darkest parts of my heart and expose them to His light, so that I'd be laid open and bare for Him to operate. That's very uncomfortable, but it's marvelous. The things He's teaching me are so profound I haven't yet figured out how to put them into words. Maybe I could figure them out if I had more than a few minutes late at night to do it, but that will come in time. During the deployment I hit rock bottom and saw my raw impatience and selfishness, and thank God I will never be the same. I also needed to have our second child before I fully grasped some of my problems. When Ezekiel didn't sleep through the night for 10 months, I felt mad and resentful, but I believe I thought that my reaction was acceptable. It was my sleep, I deserved it and, though I would grudgingly interrupt it to take care of him, he wasn't really number one in my mind. I was. With Eden, I KNOW when I get angry at her wakefulness that it isn't my physical need for sleep that's taking over, it's my desire to take care of my own needs before hers, and I work to squelch that selfish impulse, to die to myself just a little more so that I can wake up from whatever bit of sleep I acquire to be just a little more LIKE JESUS. Isn't that why He made me a mom? Isn't that why He puts each of His children in their various life situations? A wonderful mentor of mine once told me that motherhood is the road to the crucified life. I didn't pay attention or think about that very much at the time, but now I understand. Do I excel at it? No. Case in point: this morning Mason was home and we decided to eat breakfast at IHOP. Ezekiel was not thrilled with entering the restaurant, and as soon as we sat down and took our menus to peruse the delicious pancake selection, he was pacing around with his tell-tale sour expression, his whines rising in a crescendo that told us we wouldn't be able to dine in. I was so angry! I had been nursing what seemed like all night and was very hungry. Not only that, I really like pancakes. Mason calmly took him from the restaurant and I followed with Eden, politely explaining to the server that we had to go. No sooner had we left the restaurant with a cheesy, fake smile than I PINCHED my son, hard! I pinched his arm and bitterly told him he ruined our breakfast. He was already crying, but this made him cry more, and he asked me to kiss it but I wouldn't. The important part here is that I KNEW I was giving in to sinful selfishness the entire time. It was a wrong choice, simple to identify but not so simple to short-circuit when my focus was on my needs rather than my upset 2-year-old's. An hour later I had cooled off, and as we ate our carry-out IHOP at our own breakfast table, I apologized to him and really meant it. I want him to grow up knowing that I mess up and I repent. For maybe the first time in my life I'm painfully aware of my sinfulness, and I hate it, and I desperately want to die to myself and become more like Jesus, even as I let go of my silly desires and consider others more important than myself (I memorized Philippians 2:3-4 over the summer but obviously it still hasn't sunk in yet). There will be more tantrums, and I will feel angry, and there will be more sleepless nights, maybe even tonight. But I pray that with each passing event that God keeps working on me - and He promises He will!

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

God is faithful. Thanks for sharing part of my journey with me as I aspire to be, in His strength, the mom He's called me to be!

wishing I had taken a picture...

...of my steadily emptying candy jar today, but the golden window of opportunity to write this post did not coincide with my remembering to take said picture. You can just believe me when I say that our deployment candy jar is finally looking like its days are numbered. Mason didn't actually count the candies to number 120, he just dumped in several bags and said "I'm sure it'll be enough to last." That's Mason for you! As usual though, it looks like he's going to be right. Hopefully there are at least a few candies left for us to enjoy together. Ezekiel has been doing a great job of reminding me about the daily Diddy candy, and even (sometimes) pulling out my love note for me after he delightedly selects his treat. At first I was like, hey kid, that's my candy, and then I started thanking him for consuming the empty calories in my stead.

It's odd to think we've already been in Orlando for almost 3 months! That's a quarter of a year...wow. To me, that sounds like an extraordinarily long time to be apart from my husband, but I realize that there are other families, both military and civilian, that have endured much longer deployments and separations. This time has given me occasion to stop and consider, admire, and pray for these people. Separation from a family member is no small deal, it affects everyone in every way, and one of many things I thank God for this summer is the opportunity to taste a small sample of what some are facing for much longer periods! Something God's taught me recently is to resist my tendency of indifference to suffering. It's in my nature and personality (most of the time) to try to ignore the negative and extol the positive in any situation, but He's shown me that there is beauty and honesty and reality in embracing the existence of suffering as a means to break my heart and make it just a little bit more in line with His. Jesus, after all, took on all the suffering in the world through his death, and not only that, but he also wept and felt compassion for and mourned with the brokenhearted during his 33 years as one of us. The Bible says that the LORD is close to the brokenhearted, and I certainly want him close to me, and I'm learning that it's okay and actually good to let my heart break for the pain that his precious children go through. This kind of intense compassion is what he wants from me, and it's what I need to let him work in me in order to bow to his purpose for my life.

I'm confident and encouraged, though, as God works with both me and Mason while we're apart. Just as we asked him to do, he's working in us in ways that require us being apart. Mason's not a blogger, but he could easily fill one up with stories of God moving in and around him this summer! I'm excited that God brought us this separation for his eternal purposes... but I'm also WAY excited for it to end in a few weeks so that we can reunite as a family and return to our life together! Ezekiel misses him so much. Each day it seems the little guy is talking more and more about things and events back in Louisiana, including the highly-discussed reunion. I talk it up so much and I pray every day that God will encourage Ezekiel's little heart with the knowledge that Mason really IS coming back to be with him soon, and loves him very much, and wants to be with him. I have no idea what a toddler's conception of time is like. Eden, on the other hand - well, she sure likes to see Mason's face and hear his voice on skype, but she is 100% Momma's girl right now, so I choose not to burden myself with any extra sadness on her behalf. Mason will just want to soak up every moment he gets with them both when he returns, and I will be so grateful just to see them interact real time! And then after they go to bed (around 11 pm), he will be all mine. :)

Did I mention that family has been amazing and so has the proximity and amenities of Disney World? A few months ago I was sobbing in the shower at the prospect of parting with Mason, and just tonight I started sniffling in the shower at the thought of leaving my parents' house and Disney World. A military girl just can't win, there's always someone to miss. But I'm hoping that my parents will be so hooked on EZ and Eden after this summer, they'll come visit us more!

My midnight snack is calling. If my nursing diet continues as it has, I will shortly pig out on ice cream, cake, M&Ms, frosting, and cookies, nurse Eden tonight and wake up 1 lb. lighter. This is nothing short of awesome.

the big d

We're a week into our first deployment. That sounds impressive to me until I realize how many of our friends have already gone through one, two or three of these and with much less ideal circumstances. Mason left last Friday and will be gone anywhere from 4 to 6 months - we're hoping for 4, of course, and this possibility combined with his location make our situation something to rejoice about, considering what many other military families are facing right now. It's nothing to complain about, but still a trial for us as we face this time without each other geographically near.

I packed up our essentials and closed up our house temporarily for a "summer vacation" (that's what I call it around Ezekiel) with family in Florida. We left the day he did, after a wildly emotional fake-out where I dropped him off at 3:30 am only for him to come home later that day and leave for real the next morning. That would have been cruel if it had been intended to torture us, but it's just the way it happened. I'm relieved to have that goodbye one full week in the rear view mirror! I haven't cried that much in a long time. I'm not good enough with my words to describe the depth of pain that parting with Mason caused me - God did NOT make marriage for husband and wife to be separated for any length of time, but He did place us here for such a time as this, and we are proud to do our part in serving our country.

Today I felt particularly down. The last several days have been good, and full of support and love, but also emotionally volatile for me. It seems like every few minutes I go from riding confident, upbeat joy, to feeling like I am slipping and panicking a little bit, to grasping God's hand encouraging me with the calmest sense of peace and hope that this is SO temporary and is FROM Him and FOR His glory and my good. I don't think I'll ever forget standing in the shower the night before Mason left (for real), sobbing and saying over and over out loud "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (That comes from Jeremiah 29:11.) Today God's been encouraging me with James 1: "Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance, and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." And doesn't my Jesus know just when to come to my rescue? I knew Mason had sent a package before deploying that was supposed to get to me last Friday. It had been several days and I was wondering if it had gotten lost in the mail. Mason reassured me that God knew where the package was, so I tried not to think about it but was hopeful it would get here. This afternoon when I looked out the window and saw my brother riding by on his scooter with the box in hand, I was so happy! There's nothing like getting something special that your spouse has touched when you know you won't see them for a long time.

Now this is very special to me for a number of reasons. One, it's full of typed up reasons that Mason loves me, two, it's full of my favorite candies, and three, there's a great story behind it. For Valentines Day 2007, we were both 20 years old and engaged and looking forward to our wedding in May. I wanted to give Mason something special, so I filled a jar with 94 candies and 94 reasons I loved him and presented it to him as a countdown to our wedding day. Each day he could read one reason I loved him and eat one chocolate until the jar was empty and our wedding day arrived. They say the way you show love is the way you want to receive love, and I hinted at least a couple of times in the last 4 years that I really enjoy gifts like that. Well, deployment presented Mason with a great opportunity! He worked on it behind closed doors the last couple weeks before he left, enlisting Ezekiel's "help" too. The kid was so excited to see the treats again when we opened the box today, but I had to tell them they weren't for him. Although I may have to start giving him the chocolates while I read the love notes, if they start interfering with my summer fitness plans! Regardless...God knew exactly what day I needed to receive this sweet gift from my husband on the other side of the world. If it matters to me, it matters to Him. So the jar full of candy and love notes was a gift not just from my husband but from my Father in Heaven. We have miles to go this summer, miles I don't want to wish away because each step I'll be with my precious children, developing perseverance and keeping my eyes open for love notes...from Mason and from Jesus, who loves me infinitely more than the most devoted husband ever could!